Honestly, I can say that my world bout to collapse. It turns totally upside down, and I'm start to lose my happiness in every second of my life. I start to think that what's the point I'm being happy if the end, I always ended it with tears. What's wrong for being happy? It is illegal for nowadays?
I know, some people might said that expressing things in this way just way too lame. Yes I noted that but I can't do anything. I have no place to share. Believe me, if I said all things, it will take a long day and tears won't stop falling. I just wanna be happy, why so hard?
I realized I changed, changed to someone who was heartless, I'm worst than before. But believe me, I act like that cause sometimes I have and need to protect my priority, my pride. But I wonder why, why when it turns to me, everything was completely wrong?
For those who knew me well, will know how I am, by just looking at me even I committed that I'm okay. I will never be okay. I'm just, not okay.
My life getting lack of time due to working life and the career that I began with. Sometimes, I do need to be alone. I just wanna be with myself, me and I. In short, just me. I miss to put myself inside my dark room. I just laying down, cooling down myself and everything. I just wanna be like that. I exposed myself too much with strangers. I just wanna be alone.
Maybe there was a time I'm talking in harsh way, and make others shut. But believe me, when I said something like that, I just telling the truth. There is no point I'm telling a lie if it is not worth and give any advantage to my life. Only if...
Sitting down while hear my playlist keep playing in shuffle way, writing this. I just, don't have any idea why. I just, I do made mistakes, I am human and we all are. I just, I keep myself down for others but why, I just need attention and a little bit understand bout me like how I did to other people, but why I just can't?
I lied if I said that I'm okay. Oh no, I'm not gonna cry. Actually I am. I do wanna cry so bad. I just wanna let everything out. Why is it too hard for me now? I just, don't wanna lose anything precious in my life. I won't blame anyone for what happen to me for this seventh months. I just wondering why, life did fucked me up?
Can I just end everything? I mean, can I just end my life? I know I'm not God and will never be, and I know by doing that things only make my sins getting terrible than I do now. I won't blame God, he is too good for all of us. I just, I've got the feeling again, where I starts to lose hope again. I am down.
Only if, I wanna run away from all this for a while. I just wanna travel or maybe holiday or vacations or anything!! that can make me away from all this for a while. I just want it, for my own good.
Only if, life was a fairy tale.
Lady Mary Valenny Jane
19 July 2014
21:04 hours