Comeback

        As usual, I will keep saying this again and again - I know it is been awhile I didn't write any since my last depression post HAHA well, my mind was explode with all the words yet when I start to write or type, I lost everything, it was gone poofs just like that.

        For 2018, I can say that it was a rough year yet it goes smooth asf. Georgie and I remain good as always even sometimes we argue and fight like A LOT. Well, who can even resist that? New workplace, yes I finally moving on to paper life which is something that I miss for too much (I guess F&B life totally done for me) but even it is almost for a year I am working at my new workplace, recently I am good in keeping secrets, some of my friends or relatives still doesn't know where I work HAHA sorry guys, I just wanna keep it for myself.

        New people, new faces - I can say it wasn't that bad but being me, it is totally difficult for any new comers to get attached with me. It's not like I am that arrogant, guess I always bring my dark souls whenever I go and I give myself time to get to know people and get used with them. And top of that, I always getting drunk and tipsy alot in 2018 which is not good erghhh and for being too drunk so many times, I decided to cut myself off from alcohol again and for that, I am being sober in New Year's Eve, congratulations Valenny!

        ANDDDD the fun part of 2018, surprise surprise, this is where the 'meet and greet' happen with people literally from my past (nope, not exes) and they admitted, they do have crush on me before but afraid to tell me so they keep it for themselves HAHA (so Georgie, you should be lucky I chose you HAHA dakbaa!!)

        About Georgie, since we finally I mean - I am finally made up my mind to put my life in dramatic-traumatic life commitment, well you know what it is but sadly, we have to postponed it AGAIN due to, can I just say "Family do Comes First"

        My familia, oh! Brother Bony finally end his police training and he is one of the forces now (May the Force be with You, lol I am joking!) and he is moving to Johor, no I mean in Muar, wait, it was the same place isn't it? but yeah, he is totally grown up now. Amos & Nisther, these kiddos are growing up day by day and I kinda miss them when they still kiddos but what to do, yet Amos still clingy to me while Nisther rather chose mumy than me HAHA Amos chose Blennih, Nisther chose mumy. Win-win situations, well kiddos. The only time Nisther would loves me is when I buy something for him HAHA

        Workplace, well it was 50-50 since bosses are bossy and I felt like there is no leader bringing us to work together, sorry not sorry but this is my voice. The only place that I can say, TOO MUCH DRAMA involves and I am avoiding myself from getting into it, well putting a gap wasn't be a sin since I am so me - I just don't give a f*ck.

so that's all what I can say for my 2018.

here we go for 2019! I guess this gotta be a long writing.

        2019 wasn't start that smooth since I realized something that come back into me after three years, well say hello to my right hand ganglion cyst. it was popped out like, "new year, new me" and because of that, I have to undergo minor surgery on my right wrist for the 2nd time but this time, HQE KK 1 since last time it was the 2nd HAHA doctors and nurses quite strict this time, why I said something like that? because I didn't smoke for the 3 whole days HAHA damn, I am quite impressive with my achievement. Back to 2016, I still go around and smoke like hell yeah with drip on my hand since I don't give a damn bout it but what I like this time, Georgie was there the whole 3 days. yeay me! But what traumatize me the most is when I was fully awake even they gave me 'sleeps' time yet I was FULLY AWAKE while on my operation and of course, not like last time where I am sleeping like a baby for the whole 4 hours and half erghh I prefer they put me on sleep than being anesthetic on my hand only. Did I mention about the pain? DAMN that pain totally crazy!! Doctor said it was nothing but they lied, it was SOMETHING. Well, they put you in a place then doctors came and looking for your veins with ultrasounds then needle came in not one not two but FIVE! I cried so hard cause I had enough but what to do, it was exhausting, the pain, the 'hold on Valenny' 'oh my she is crying'. OFCOURSE I AM CRYING, I AM IN PAIN!! The reason they won't put me on sleep this time was because of my asthma came few days before so they won't risk my life into it. Well, I should blame asthma for this HAHA but if I been ask to choose again later or someday, I rather they put me to sleep because it was easy yet the pain come in HERE YOU GO! And the good thing is, I got MC for 1 whole damn month with ongoing salary (bravo to me) instead of 2 weeks like last time.

        People ask me how do I feel during the surgery, with my low blood pressure, hungry and nervous. It wasn't going that great since I am fully awake HAHA I heard what doctors said, "okay today we will begin our operation to miss Valenny age of 26 almost 27 and we will" then they stop cause I said something, "doc, why I feel the pain when you said, my hand supposed to be numb?" and congratulations, they inject even more HAHA I was half awake due to doctors gave me a little bit of sleepy time injection but like usual, my IV drip swallowed and hurts (I cried even more HAHA), sadly I did asked the nurse that my IV drip was swallowed and I'm in pain yet she said with that creepy face, "if we take off the drip, we will place a new one" I was okay if they told me in a good way but if her attitude like that, it's okay, I bring my pain together to the Operation Theater and that's where they replace with new drip. 

        Skip skip I free myself after three days but not fully that free since I still living my life with stitches for another 2 gaddamn weeks. How was it? It was exhausting. I had to NO - I wouldn't dare to clean my own stitches, it was Georgie who helped me. He cleaned it every night even sometimes it was smelly (ew!) but he cleaned it like it was nothing while me, almost faint because it was 5 stitches instead of 3 HAHA I can't eat properly, shower properly, wash my hair even tie my hair. It was all Georgie, I am completely look like an idiot since I only can do things with my left hand. He cooked, cleaned, washed my hair and lots. He is quite helpful this time and I don't know how I will survived without him. I can't express like how grateful I am having him beside me. If you asked, if I will express everything about him, I will but not express like everything here, remember, I have my own circle?

        After a month of resting and being lifeless at home, I am finally back to work. Nothing much happened just, few people resigned and new staffs everywhere. I can say, my workplace kinda - you'll know. Since it is still March - oh wait! I did experienced real-life accident with Georgie HAHA it wasn't supposed to be funny but I can't help myself. Everything happen way too slow yet it is hurt! With bruises to both of my leg and it is a week now, BUT I am still trauma bout it. If you ask, it wasn't our fault at all. So, people out there. Whenever you are driving, please please AND PLEASE looking at both sides of the road before you change your lane. Wondering why? We've been hit by a car when she is trying to change lane with less than 3 seconds signal and boom, it all happened in just a tap. I was lay down and my left foot stuck, nothing serious, like I said, it was only bruises. Lucky us, it was hectic morning and car moving way too slow. Trauma? YES I AM! So continue, nothing much happen in 2019 since it is only March so I can say, that's technically what I can tell you guys right now.

And ofcourse about Georgie, you think I forgot bout it? Nope, am not. He is waiting for me to write about him HAHA 

        Dear Georgie, for this our 4th years being together, I would like to say thank you very much for what happen between us. I thanked God everyday for giving you for me. Thank you for not giving up on me, stay with me - health and sick. You did show your efforts. I still and always laugh at your stupid jokes - how our chemistry really went well together. You did saw my flaws yet here you are, even sometimes I did having bad nightmare of how you cheated me and being mad the next morning to you and you will always be clueless cause you had no idea why and I won't tell you any HAHA I still love to leave you with stupid hints which is totally hard for you to figure it out. Your madness was crazy - time bomb and it is do scary shit the hell out of me. I can see you are really having a hard time being with me yet you know - I mean you just know how to handle me whenever I am on my worst. From Skinny Stick Street Light to Fatto Belacan, you did improve well, NO! I should say, you did prove to everyone that you gonna gained your weight but stay like that. Please just don't increase your weight anymore or you will have nothing to wear later. Don't blame me if you can't find your sizes later on.

        Remember what we used to say to each other, this was only the beginning - we still have more to come. No matter how you are now, you do sometimes still look like Innocent HAHA I can't deny this cause everyone who knows you well, will do agree with me. Dear my Fatto Belacan, I just can't believe that you are a fatto HAHAHAHA!! Last but not least, thank you for everything for this 4 years, please be my forever bestfriend, my bitch, my adviser and someone who calm me whenever I am on my worst and mess - cause you knew me well. I am totally a chaos sometimes, err I should say everytime. 

        Anyways - Cheers for this 4th years and what's more? Let's make it forever Tompinai. Stay just the way you are. Don't change, I like the way you are now. Oh ya, let's be gaming buddy for forever. Love, Me. (oh ya, lagu bila mau siap? HAHA)

        That's ironically what's really on my mind now and yesterday HAHA I just losing idea how to write, I do really busy facing my gaddamn everything life. I almost forgot how to write, erghh! for words? Seriously, I don't prepare any but this is what I keep on telling everyone - "Remember this life is a journey, spend it wisely and you will enjoy and cherish every moment of it"

Someone who express her voice through writing yet always forget how to express it

Lady Mary Valenny Jane - GeorgieArlie's

19/03/19 - 1158

BURN

It is been a while for writing and since I can't express my feelings in voice, I decided to write. Here is what I called, my whatever writing plus I can't think. Everything explode inside me, I am lost.

_________________________________________________________

To the sky that blue - it turns gray in my eyes.
  To the sea that move - it remain quite.

I tried, I am trying yet it will never be enough.
  I am waiting, the answer is not what I expected.

I tried to hold it, I can't.
  I'm powerless, I am just a human.

My walls are destroy, I can't save it.
  One frown of look, I had to let it go - I can't save it.

I tried, it is just not enough.
  I'm lost, I can't find my way back.

Is there anyone listen at me?
  I see my shadow, the only one who always around.

Crowded places with lots of people,
  It makes me scare, who are they? why am I here?

Run Vally run - but where to?
  I realize, I have nowhere to go.

What should I do after this?
  Why should I stay alive? 
Why should I?

Shits are coming back, 
  This time it was hard - hard than what I faced before.

I smiled - nobody notice how it was inside me.
  Cry they said, I don't find it is useful.

Walls - why are you cracking?
  Why I stop build you? - I shouldn't.

Hey listen hey - NO, it was all wrong.
  Why should I? nobody listen to me.

Stay alive - the only thing I can do.
  If only, it is not a sin.

Do you feel what I feel? does it hurts?
  No, I feel numb - pain become painless.

I am trying - until when?
  I am giving up - they told me I can't.

I see fire - it feels warm.
  It burns me - I don't feel it will harm me.

Words, yes words, it kills more.
  Why? - it is always on my mind.

Playlist - I didn't make one,
  Brain made it for me.

I'm in pain - I tried to ignore it.
  Can I? Will I? Am I?

Lady Mary Valenny Jane

09:42

09 Nov 18

2018?

Holla 2018 and still being quite a lot, still. Vally won't change at all.

Even if I do miss writing but I don't have the time to write some, so here you go, another story for my another voices.

_________________________________________________________

2017 went so Oh-Well and that's explain a lot. After been ditched and hatred by everyone, well it is doesn't seems end of life, I learnt something from it. "Just be who you are, even you are a d*ckhead or a pastor, if people gotta hate you, they will." Why I said something like that? 'Cause I faced it. Not everyone gonna likes you, even if they are, some of them are pretending. Listen, even your own family ditching you behind ya' back, did you know 'bout it if not one of them told you about it? YOU NOT. so, one of my 2017's pages filled with those. Even until now, some people just hard to move on from it, trust me, I did moving on. so, yea, I did.

Another day, another month, another pages. 2017 totally the almost last year for me involving myself in F&B life. I glad I did manage with it and I am glad, super glad that I experienced those as part of my life, and yes, people will always gonna ditched you no matter what. Life goes on, they said. But what happen if life stuck there and never moving forward?

Another thing that listed on my pages, Georgie and I turned 2nd? HAHA I AM SO LAME!!

Prove to anyone that life do changing, I changed my phone, I changed my hair like, from curl to strength. I make it long enough to make everyone annoyed (Remember, we are still in 2017's story) and oh, I'm upgraded from few phases to few phases. I made it, don't I? and did you realized it?

OH, best part, psst! I am f*cking sober from alcohol baby! YES I MADE IT! wait, there's no standing ovation for me? ohhhh, okay. YES the last time I've been really drunk was, JANUARY 2017. Why? 'Cause I can't stand hangover anymore. p/s This is what you get when you are living your life way too early. But yes, I glad I make it and rather than alcohol if you asked, I prefer Soda? and COFFEE!!

Talk about coffee, I did managed to be a Barista (Checked!) and it was a part of me. Latte art? Yes, I made those. I can say, whatever I want, I can achieved it if I do try and I proved it! I got this inspiration from "Forrest Gump" just do what you wanna do, give it a try and it won't harm you. Better than never, right?

I do have vacations, like Local Vacation but feeling likes I am going oversea cause of cold and rain, (wait, I didn't know that rain would make it like oversea? maybe the weather I guess) it was fun, I made a video of it but never posted it online since I doubted mine. I still don't have the time to make it like Real-Time. Well, Vally will always gonna be Vally, always need time. I know, I'm lame.

New faces, new friends, new people, new environment. Hola October Coffee House, I am part of it! Yes, I made my way to be in there without anyone helps or recommend. I am glad that I've been accepted in that 1st cafe in Kota Kinabalu. Phew it wasn't easy, with all the almost-dying shift I had to face and with all work task. And that is when, I knew something is wrong with me again. Let's put that in another life's story. Anyways, remember the girl that I always talked about? the Ex? yea, she's been there and posting something 'bout it which is "It is time for you to serve me" HAHA listen everyone, even her money being part of my salary but never forget that my money too. So moving on, in OctCafe, that is when my Barista thang suddenly came to me even I ended up in Kitchen Crew from Service Crew but it won't stop me. I did learnt something there and permanently will be part of me now, the availability to taste coffees HAHA even not so pro but hey, I can :)

About what I knew that is "bad things happened to me" is not what I got during my work life. Remember than I've been accident nearly dead in 2012? I got permanently injured with my backbone. Mine wasn't how I used to be, mine was crooked. The only solution that hospital gave me was Physiotherapy. Nope, I didn't show up 'cause I know, it will still hurts. And from that moment, I've decided to let it being part of me.

What else happened in my 2017? I can't recall that much since I spent my time with work and work and work and Georgie. I think that it is, goodbye.

Wait, by saying goodbye like that is just so not me. Here some words for everyone of you.

To everyone that they thought they did knocked me down, I am sorry, you are not.

If someone think that they made me weak, I am grow stronger.

Life and Experience made me those.

You can kill me with your words but not with your actions.

By ditching and talked behind me, you guys did hurts me but the pain won't stay much longer.

If anyone blaming me like I am the one who starts, I appreciated that.

I won't say anything for more, I just,

Life move on guys, it won't stay the same pages everyday.

I made mine and I closed it,

Some people can't and some people do,

It is up to you, wanna stay in that place for forever or moving on for something new.

Remember, this life is a journey.

the one that been ditched and hatred - Valenny.

Technically, that's how I always end my writing. What I wrote here is just the highlighted of what happen to me in 2017. Other than that, let me keep it in my another thought. It is been a while and yes, I will write more soon. 'Till next time....

Lady Mary Valenny Jane,

29 Aug 2018, 17:35

Let It Be, Follow The Flow

Valenny? Georgie?

It is hard to explain how I turn my life this two years with the same man HAHA kidding! I've been away since I can't recall when, but I wanna wish myself and Georgie, Happy Two Years being together. Well, 2016 was awesome since it was 366 days instead of 365 days. And for sure, Valenny won't write something that is short, oh please, like none of you didn't know her. 

There You Go.

So, I wont tell the same thing for what happen in 2015 since we've nailed it. So let me begin with 2016. psst I wont tell everything, no worries.

So, everyone knows that he is working in Starbucks International Departure Hall and yes, everybody knows that I used to be a hotelier, USED TO BE. so I'm giving up with my hotel's life and moving on to F&B life, I don't know whether I've made the right decision at 1st, but God's plans aye!

Our relationship wasn't that so call #relationshipgoals, oh don't be. We kinda eww when people used to called us that way. We ain't perfect. Our relationship not that perfect. You know, people used to say, as couple, both of you will get to know each other, a lot. Let me tell you something, our relationship now, more than just a couple. We so called Husband & Wife but we're still not putting any ring on our finger since we though it was too early for us.

Last year, I might be missing him and counting on days when I can spend my whole day with him since we still stay  with our parents. But I don't know, my parents decided to leave my brother and I in KK, just us. in sudden, without any preparation. And do you think I am ready bout it? I am not.

Since last year until this year, we've been through a lot, A LOT LIKE A LOT! how in sudden, family against us, and my career, where we've got that money issues. I even told him that I do wanna go back to my parents, leaving my life here but he refused to and he told me, "why giving up so soon? If I can make it, with you. Why don't you do the same, with me?" I bet he is right, he got his point there.

There is one time where both of us totally broke. Running out of money, foods and life HAHA not life, kidding! But yeah, there was a time where both of hungry and out of mind, thinking. what should we eat for the day since we didn't have any money left. It's sad isn't it? But we looked at each other at that time and said, "If we can survive after all this year, months, why not now?" We looking for a solution and we find one, we looked for coins (since we always throw away our coins) and we managed to bought maggies like two packets and two eggs. So I cooked it and that was our dinner, together with rice. At that time, we looked at each other, we prayed (yes we prayed before eat) and give thanks to God, even that is the only food that we can eat, we giving him thanks, better than starving.

We fight, we argue and there is one time no, few times where I almost giving up on him and asked him to leave me since I cant do this relationship anymore. I thought he would say yes, since he's been dealing with this, quite few times (lol experienced! haha) but he keep silent, packed his thing and i just sat there watched him, and he asked me, again. "Is this what you really want Valenny? I'm leaving?" I remember that time, I just remained silent cause I dont know what to do. I said to myself, "Valenny, are you gonna be okay without him? look at that man for the last time, are you willing to let him go? Will he ever get back to you once he left? Will you guys talk to each other, anymore?" that questions struck me hard and I hugged him and said, "Stay, dont leave. Im scared" HAHAHAHA tbh, I cant live without him.

He did told me like so many times how much he loves me and how he told me not to giving up. He even cried in front of me, like three times? He did. He looks so precious, a pure heart with all those broken pieces. I come to him when I was broken, he healed me slowly. He shows to me that I can love again, he fixes me, I fix him. There was a night, where I told him that I just don't wanna be with him anymore. He sat there and smokes, he asked me why, I just told him, part of me want him but another part of me, wanting to let him go. I thought he just gonna sat there and didn't wanna talk, I was wrong. He hugged me and said, "Why Valenny why? Why you being like this? Is there anyone replacing me? Is there anyone giving you more than I ever gave you? Am I giving pain in your life? Valenny please, I'm begging you don't. We still got a long way to go. I want you to walk with me, don't stop Valenny. I see my future with you" he cried, I realized on that night, why is this happening to me?

When I was alone, sitting and listening to music, it makes me think. GEORGIE ARLIE. he is more than just a man, more than just GEORGIE, he's more than that. he might me look weird and nerd and innocent, yes he is. But he is more than that. People do asked me, what do I saw in him. Look, I saw his love, he supports me and he is trying. He's not like a Prince Charming, he wasn't. He saw my pain and he healed it. He saw I cried, he cheered me. He is my other part, my missing puzzle piece. God knows I lost much parts in me, He gave me him. He gave me Georgie. He started to complete me piece by piece. He's not that good, but he's trying. He never shows that he is giving up. He never asked me to leave, he never. It was only me. And I felt stupid for acting that way. I am sorry Georgie.

I still remember when I'm facing the biggest challenge I ever had, operations. yes, my right hand been undergo surgeries due to a cryst that keep growing and hurts me. He learned how to take care of me, how to tied my hair, how to handle me when I'm taking my shower and he even washed my hair HAHA he even 'suap' me and treat me well. Thank you Georgie.

What is relationship without happy and sadness and fight? I wonder what. There was a time where I miss to argue with him and so I will do anything to make him mad at me HAHA I am sorry love. There was a time where I do miss him even we live together, oh I didn't told you am I? yes, we're living together now for a year. I felt sorry for those who abandoned him and leave him even when he said, he loves them. I felt sorry when I saw breakups and cheating. I felt sorry. I've been through that and I know how it feels. And I am lucky for having someone who loves me even he knows bout my past. He knows. And how he handled my jealousy, I'm still trying to resist it, I just can't, LOL!

Looking at him sleeping, was the best part I ever had. He looks so innocent and pure, he is. The first thing he woke up when he saw me, he smiled and he kissed. I wonder, where are you after all this time Georgie? Saw him laughing over stupid videos, how both of us act like a kid, how I told him that I hate his exes HAHA how we played games, how he beat me and acting like a pro. I do love him, you know.

We're still trying to convince ourselves that we reached our second year together. Well, Two Years wasn't that easy. Yes, we might be still just a couple, a boyfriend and girlfriend but we still don't care tho. If we can get through this, why not someday? We had our birthday's together, second year Christmas together. Second new year together and we had our new year kiss HAHA it's been two years and we're aiming more.

Remember, no relationship whether husband and wife, fiance and fiancee,  none of those could be perfect. Human will never be perfect, even we tried. I always told him this, "This life is a journey. Never bragged bout it, spend it wisely and cherish every moment of it. You will enjoy every single step that you take. Never look at the same pages over and over again. Open a new page and starts to write something new. Someday when you open the old pages, you have something to smile and remember."

Yes, this life totally a journey.

Good luck with it, and have fun.

here are some photos of us.

Thankyou,

The newest selfies, our second year together. Instead of fancy dinners, roses and chocolate, I got horse ride :)

Georgie, please remember that you own this heart and I will always be there for you no matter what, always.

With love,

Lady Valenny

17/02/17

12:30am.